The Half Ass Expeditions Guide to Camp Cooking
There’s nothing quite like a hearty feed in the wilderness after a manly chuff up the side of some bad ass peak. Pots and pans rattle and stoves flare as the kitchen is now open. Let us join Vincentoli and Timur as they cook up something nasty in their own style of camp cuisine.
Vincentoli and Timur are way back in the hills. The snow surrounding camp is packed and just barely managable, the air is crisp and the food bags are open.
Timur: Welcome to a typical Half Ass Expeditions camp site….
Vincentoli: Yeah, notice the destruction and three-inch layer of sawdust and woodchips.
Timur: Its chow time in the wilderness and Vincentoli and myself will whip up the finest white trash trailer chow right here in the woods. We start by firing up this here Whisperloud stove, stand back….
Vincentoli: Stand back is right, Timur ‘s gonna show you how he lost his eyebrows.
Timur: Which brings up the subject of camp safety….
Vincentoli: Always wear your safety glasses when operating a stove near Novasch, not to mention a flame-retardant parka and a big ass fire extinguisher. Notify all local firefighting officials.
Timur: We start things off by boiling a shit load of water. Before you can effectively cook in the wild, you must consume a few hot toddys. Then you boil more water.
Vincentoli: While the water is boiling, gather together the ingredients. For my dinner, I’m preparing Hamburger Helper…….
Timur: Again…. No wonder your farts smell so rude…
Vincentoli: In addition to the HH mix, I’ve got some pre-cooked then frozen ground beef. Throw all the stuff in the boiling water and cook the shit out of it.
Timur: For my dinner I’m preparing sautéed garlic shrimp served on a heap of angel hair pasta…
Vincentoli: Yuppie ass gomer food….
Timur: …Shut up…. I’ve precooked the shrimp in the garlic and butter at home, sealed the sauce and shrimp mixure in a boil-proof bag then froze it. I’ll use the boiling water that will cook the pasta to also cook the shrimp and sauce in the bag. Hows your swill coming, Vincentoli..?
Vincentoli: Not bad…Can you smell the monosodium glutamate oxidizing the tomato solids…?
Vincentoli: You cook the Hamburger Helper and beef mixure until it starts to congeal. Then you take it off the heat to let the solidifying process continue. It’s quite a chemical reaction… The tomato solids bond with the carbon chains formed as the fat from the hamburger breaks down into smaller organic compounds…
Timur: Yo, Einstein, you gonna eat that shit?
Vincentoli: No way, I’m gonna feed it to McAnus.
Timur: Ah, looks like my pasta is done….I’ll drain the pasta carefully and……AHHHHH
Vincentoli: Novasch, you stiff, you just spilled an entire pan of pasta on my sleeping bag….
Novasch thrashes as boiling hot water and over-cooked pasta covers the camp. Steam obscures his vision and he bumps Vincentoli’s pot of Hamburger Helper. The red sauce from Vincentolis concoction stains his new LL bean parka and mega-buck down sleeping system. Vincentoli immediately starts wailing on Timur as the food quickly freezes on all of their equipment…..
Vincentoli: After cleaning the newly created super fund toxic waste site and filing the usual Environmental Impact Statement forms, I settle down for a hearty meal of Powerbars.
Timur: Yep…Powerbars for dinner again. Good thing we bought that case of em!
Vincentoli: Join us next time as Timur spills an entire backwoods bouillabaise all over Marcus’ pack.
Timur: We’ll see you on the trail and remember, if HAE cooked it, DON’T EAT IT!