Half Ass Expeditions (HAE) started back in the ’80s as a joke among four guys who go winter mountaineering in Northern New England. It is more or less a reflection of our camping style, which has developed over the years into a peripatetic, rambling, seat-of-the-pants modus operandi. So, HAE is unencumbered by elitism and sundry attitudes that characterize high-altitude fraternities and Primadonnas who want to be famous. We certainly are not looking to gain celebrity status among the world’s alpine cognoscenti with our own radical style of climbing, even if our exploits have earned us notoriety of local renown, most notably with our families, friends, and professional colleagues.
Instead, we look to have some great fun and extreme adventure climbing the White Mountains in the middle of the winter, which, as anyone who is familiar with the region can tell you, is quite a test of backpacking survival skills. Backpacking by its nature is the implementation of canonical preparation, after all, only essential items are put in a backpack (…sic), and the most precious of which are the most scarce out on the trail. Yet there seems to be no shortage of our own brand of nothing-is-sacred, self-depreciating slapstick style humor on an HAE expedition.
Hopefully we have been successful in flavoring the stories here with some of that humor. When HAE takes to the woods, we sometimes don’t act much different than a bunch of mountain trash yahoos chasing down a 12 pack of beer. So… there is a whole lotta’ of drinking, smoking and ‘cussing going on, and of course, we bring along quite a complement of saws, axes and machetes to thrash and burn wood, just like the locals. If by idealistic standards such questionable behavior in the sensitive wilderness areas may seem to affront sensibilities, or possibly even be outright shocking, one must realize that our attitudes and actions are our own choice, and we at HAE are not here to make any apologies. One must also understand that there is also plenty of poetic license, and how could it be, outright bull slinging, going on here, as HAE authors spins fabulous yarns and tell tall tales. After all, what’s a fish story if the fish don’t double in size every year?
GOVERNMENT WARNING: (1) ACCORDING TO THE HAEMASTER GENERAL, PEOPLE SHOULD NOT ATTEMPT WINTER BACKPACKING JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE READ THIS SITE, DUE TO THE RISK OF SEVERE INJURY OR DEATH. (2) CONSUMPTION OF THIS WEB PAGE IMPAIRS YOUR ABILITY TO SURF THE WEB OR OPERATE COMPUTERS, AND MAY CAUSE HEALTH PROBLEMS.
HAZARDS TO FLATLANDERS, YUPPIES AND GOMERS
CAUTION… Harmful if attempted by ordinary people, that means you. Do not attempt winter mountaineering anywhere except here in cybor-space. Avoid contact with the White Mountains in the wintertime while carrying any sort of backpacking equipment. In case of contact, flush out of there immediately and drive to some two-planker place like Waterville Valley. Obtain psychiatric medical attention if the desire to go camping in sub-zero weather persists. Remove all cellular phones, GPS receivers, laptop computers, and blow dryers before going hiking in New England. Do not, under any circumstances absorb alcohol, cannibal saliva, or other mind-altering substances while outside in the New England wintertime. Always carry a rain parka and 20 bucks.
STATEMENT OF PRACTICAL TREATMENT: If you catch winter survival camping fever by reading this web page then: drink heavily, watch TV, and forget about it. Call a therapist or mental control center immediately. Drink 2 to 4 six packs of cheap beer and induce vomiting by touching back of scrotum with finger. Do not induce vomiting or give anything by mouth to an unconscious or convulsing person. If on Skin or Clothing: Remove all winter clothing at once and store up in the attic. Wash before reuse. Get some shorts, sunglasses, and Hawaiian shirts if irritation persists. If inhaled: Remove victim to Florida. Apply artificial air conditioning if indicated. If in Eyes: Log off your web browser immediately. Flush with plenty of beer. Call your counsellor or doctor. Have this http address ready when calling a doctor. Note to Physicians: Emergency Information – call 1-900-4GO-MERS*.
PHYSICAL OR CHEMICAL HAZARDS: Contents under extreme pressure to survive. Do not view in high schools, work places, or the home. Chemical dependency is inevitable if used improperly. Do not store stove fuel, alcohol, or cannibal saliva near heat, sparks and open fires. Exposure to temperatures below 32oF may cause bursting of full water containers, injury or death in gomers.
DIRECTIONS FOR USE: It is a violation of Federal law to use this web site in any manner inconsistent with it’s labeling.
READ ENTIRE DISCLAIMER SECTION. USE IN STRICT ACCORDANCE WITH THE INSTRUCTIONS, PRECAUTIONARY STATEMENTS AND DIRECTIONS.
DRINK WELL BEFORE READING. KEEP PC SCREEN UPRIGHT AND POINT AWAY FROM MINORS
TO VIEW THIS WEB PAGE: Cover exposed monitors and remove all minors from the area. Open doors and windows in the room where the PC is located. Shut off all fans and air conditioners. Put out all flames, and hide all backpacking equipment. Leave trash everywhere. View only in trailer park with dead rusty cars and scrawny dogs outside. Point mouse on icon and click. Under no circumstances should one attempt winter mountaineering due to the information provided here. IMPORTANT: Do not remain at this web site for more than 30 minutes. Scan for viruses when done. Do not use this web site while on vacation in Maine, NH. or VT, and while waiting for some snow to go skiing. Do not read before going to buy outdoor equipment of any kind.
STORAGE: Store in a secure, preferably locked server away from heat and flame. Use a parental lockout program. DISPOSAL: Leave your trash outside the trailer. Throw it out the window.
NOTICE: Reader assumes all responsibility for safety and use not in accordance with directions.
*$2.50-4.99/min. Visa/MC/Amex/Disc. Int’l rates billed to your phone. All backpackers are 18+
Read more Half Ass Expeditions: Hunted By Rangers